


Diamonds Are Sharper Than They Look

by RustyTomato



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Christmas, Engagement, Heartbreak, Hurt, M/M, Sorry Not Sorry, side johndo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-19
Updated: 2018-12-19
Packaged: 2019-09-22 20:59:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17067014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RustyTomato/pseuds/RustyTomato
Summary: Jeno knows he'll never have Renjun, but that doesn't stop him from loving him.He writes a letter to the boy he's loved for the last four years, only to hide it where he'll never look..





	Diamonds Are Sharper Than They Look

**Author's Note:**

> I'm gonna say this now so no one can say they weren't warned:
> 
> I don't know what happened to make me write this but IM SORRY PLEASE DON'T COME AT ME 
> 
> Anyways I hope you have fun(?) reading this VERY short story :)

**Christmas night. Jeno had planned on getting drunk and enjoying the festivities with his favourite group of people, the people he called family, but now he sat sober. His chest felt heavy, there was a lump in his throat and his hands were shaking ever so slightly.**

 

**He had waited for the others to either leave or fall asleep before he let his guard down. He'd smiled and talked and laughed like any other day, but now he was alone it was totally different.**

 

**He was overwhelmed. He didn't know what else to do other than write, to pour everything out where it would stay hidden.**

 

**Sitting at his desk, wearing the ridiculous Christmas jumper that Mark had bought him he rummaged through piles that had formed on the surface for a notebook and a pen.**

 

**With a deep sigh he began.**

 

_ Huang Renjun,  _

_ When we met six years ago, we didn't exactly get off on the right foot. My first impression of you was that you were rude, short tempered, and inconsiderate. Now I realise you're none of those things.   _

 

_ It was a dreary Monday. Wow it's sad that I remember that but you don't even remember how long it's been since we met.  _

 

_ You were with Jaemin, and I with Mark. We were out shopping when I said I wanted to look at some stationery and Mark recognised Jaemin from across the store. They had been friends but lost contact when they left school. It didn't take long for them to start talking like they'd never spent time apart though. Mark has always been one to chat.  _

 

_ You stood next to Jaemin quietly looking at some pens, testing a few on the small pieces of paper the store provided. The pot was a little full and I guess you got frustrated. You couldn't put back the one you had picked up and some fell on the floor, rolling as they hit they landed.  Instead of picking them up you merely rolled your eyes and turned around.  _

 

_ At the time I thought you were being inconsiderate, not thinking about how someone might slip. I didn't speak up, afraid of starting conflict with someone I didn't know. I guess then you caught me staring at you, trying to figure out why you did it, and you just glared at me like my existence itself was irritating you.  _

 

_ I was too preoccupied to notice Mark and Jaemin exchanging numbers. Now there's a part of me that wishes they never had.  _

 

_ The two of them would text often, checking up on each other and catching up with each other, making up for the time they didn't see each other. Mark had mentioned Jaemin and the things he had done once or twice but it never fully occurred to me just how close they were.  _

 

_ I don't think either of us knew we'd meet again. Although maybe we should have. We both knew that Mark and Jaemin would want to spend more time together. Were we both naïve? _

 

_ The expression on your face when we did meet said it all. You looked at me as though you were trying to apologise with your eyes, wanting to make a better impression than the last time. I smiled. Mark and Jaemin controlled most of the conversation, but every time I glanced at you I could see you listening to every word. You'd always rather be the listen than speak.  _

 

_ Every time we met I'd see a little bit more of you. You'd laugh at something said when we were out for coffee, you'd mutter jokes under your breath thinking they went unnoticed. But I heard.  _

 

**Jeno sat back in his chair, reflecting on the memories. Wishing just for a minute that he could go back, that he could have those moments just one more time, that he could go back and appreciate every second with Renjun.**

 

**Gathering himself, he resumed.**

 

_ I remember the first Halloween after we met. It was a clear night, but still none of us had any desire to go trick or treating.  I think this was the night we met the rest of each other’s friends. We all went to the field near your house to spend the evening together.  _

 

_ The field was not surrounded by any street lights and was a little way from the city. The stars were visible just like a planetarium arching over the world. They were brighter than I had ever seen and I spent the night in awe at the majesty of this world. Luckily Yuta knew how to start a fire and before long we were gathered around a campfire, just talking and getting to know each other. We found logs and moved them so they surrounded the fire. There was just enough room to fit all eighteen of us.  _

 

_ I ended up sitting next to you, looking through the flames to see those who sat on the other side. It was unclear but I did notice that Johnny and Doyoung would make small shows of affection when they thought no one was looking. Even through the flames I could see that in the small gap they had between them they had placed their hands on the log, intertwined.  _

 

_ I was curious and leaned over slightly so I could ask you about it. I remember you were kind of zoned out at the time, amber glow of the fire flickering in your eyes. It was almost mesmerizing. You turned your head to me slowly, as though looking away from the fire you’d miss something, and told me that they just thought they were subtle and everyone was waiting for them to tell everyone officially. Letting them go at their own pace.  _

 

_ That night I kept thinking of all the little things you did. All the little things that I wasn't sure you were aware of. I found myself wanting to get to know you better, I wanted to spend more time with you and see your entire personality.  _

 

_ It wasn't until your birthday party that I realised. It wasn't until your birthday party that I knew my feelings were gowing and you’d never be ‘just a friend’ to me. It wasn't until your birthday party that I lost you.  _

 

**Fighting every urge to let his tears fall, Jeno took a deep breath and tried to compose himself. He knew that if he was able to write about it it might stop the nagging in the back of his mind. It was hard, but it was something he had to get off his chest even if no one else would ever take the weight.**

 

_ You invited us all. It was a gathering at your place, with surplus food and alcohol on offer for anyone who wanted it. By now we all knew each other well so as people arrived they simply made their way around the house, greeting whoever they happened to come across.  _

 

_ I had been stuck in traffic and arrived later than everyone else. By the time I arrived everyone had settled and were all talking and laughing together. There were a few small subgroups that had formed and I noticed you in one of the larger groups. _

  
  


_ You smiled as I walked through the door, motioning to where I should put my things. You didn't speak. You didn't want to interrupt the conversation happening around you. Selfless. That was the you I loved to see.  _

 

_ I grabbed a drink from the kitchen and made my way towards one of the other groups, deciding to spend some more time with those who I had only met just a few times. I made sure to sit where I could see you though. It was always you. You're so enchanting and the look in your eyes makes anyone who meets your gaze feel loved and appreciated. You look at people as though all you want is to hear them talk. To have them tell you about their day or ramble about something they loved would make you so contented. _

 

_ The night was spent surrounded by the people that I had come to know better than any other friends I have ever had. We laughed, talked and drank, forgetting about everything else. I sat across the room, admiring you from afar and, with a little bit of liquid courage, was working my way to telling you how I really felt for you. _

 

_ Returning to the kitchen to get another drink, I told myself that I would talk to you when I came back. But I never got the chance.  _

 

_ Walking back into the living room I looked to where you had been for most of the evening, but you weren’t there.. I didn't have to look far for you. You were there in Hyuck’s lap looking at him like he was the best thing in the universe. I didn't even want to try. I knew i had no chance. I just finished the drink in my hand quickly before grabbing another.  _

 

_ I know everything happens for a reason. I thought it'd pass. But everyday I love you, though you'll never know. I wish I could change, but you slipped out of my grasp. I missed my chance. It only really hit me when you walked through my front door this morning. _

 

_ It was almost 11am. You and Hyuck were the last to arrive. You were a little late but no one seemed to mind. I think they were all just happy for everyone to be together again.  _

 

_ As soon as you walked through my door you grabbed my attention, beautiful as you always had been. You shivered slightly from the cold but all I wanted to look at was the twinkle if the fairy lights in your eyes. I guess I did that without even knowing though. You picked up on it, asking if I was okay. I simply nodded, embarrassed, and went to do something else. I should have taken more notice when I saw something on your hand sparkle as I turned my head. _

 

_ Once everyone was settled down we got to exchanging gifts. I gave to you a cast iron replica of the 1961 Ferrari 250 GT SWB California Spider (yes I memorised that because I know you love them) and I watched the smile form on your face when you opened it. That was all I wanted. _

 

_ Your gift to me was a snowglobe you bought on your trip to New York. You went with Hyuck but I wished it was me. I'll always wish it was me and not him.  _

 

_ When the gifts had all been exchanged it was quite a lot more relaxed. Everyone sort of did their own thing and just mingled a bit. Part of me wanted to avoid you. The other part knew I couldn’t.  _

 

_ I should have known. I should have known when i saw that pear shaped diamond on your finger. I should have known but I didn't want to believe you were really gone. _

 

_ My heart shattered when you and Hyuck announced the engagement. I think all this time I thought something would go wrong and I’d have my chance. Now I know I was never meant to have you. _

 

_ It just hurts because I wanted you so badly.  _

 

**Jeno hadn't even realised that he’d started crying. It was only upon seeing a tear fall and disturb the ink that he could feel it. He was still trying to be quiet so he didn't wake anyone else but by now he was sobbing. His chest was tight and he could feel it in the back of his throat. With gritted teeth he just let himself cry. He needed to get it out so he could face it in the morning.**

 

**He couldn't see. Jeno was still sitting at his desk, leaning on his elbows with his face buried in his hands. Willing himself to stop crying he cursed under his breath.**

 

**A knock on the door of his bedroom pulled him violently from his thoughts and panic set in. Quickly, he pushed the notebook and pen under some things on his desk and sat on the bed, before the door quietly opened.**

 

**Jeno looked up to see Renjun in the doorway. Renjun’s expression immediately became concern and before Jeno could speak, Renjun had nealt at the edge of the bed and placed his hands over Jeno’s. Jeno made little effort to look at the other but Renjun expected it.**

 

**“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked softly. Jeno silently shook his head, gaze never rising to meet Renjun’s.**

 

**Nothing else was said. Renjun simply pulled Jeno’s head to his shoulder and let him cry. It wasn't the first time. In six years both had been there for each other through more than they could remember. They each knew what the other needed.**

 

**It must’ve been half an hour before Jeno finally lifted his head.**

 

**“Better?” Renjun asked, receiving a nod from the other.**

 

**“Good. Try to get some sleep, yeah, you'll feel better in the morning.” he said with a smile before leaving Jeno to himself again.**

 

**Jeno slowly went back to his desk to finish what he was writing before Renjun had knocked on his door.**

 

_ I’ll still love you, but I’ll hide this book someplace you’ll never look, and you’ll never know what’s inside. You’ll never know how I truly feel. _

 

_ Even though I cried over you, you didn't know. You told me I’d feel better in the morning but I won't. I’ll see you and be reminded of this pain all over again. But it’s okay. Maybe it’s for the best. You look happier with him anyway. _

 

_ -Jeno  _

 

**Closing his notebook Jeno was numb. He couldn't cry anymore and just climbed into bed, knowing all the morning would bring, was pain.**

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed(?) this
> 
> If you want you can follow me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/sparklemarkle_) if you want and I hope you have a good day :)


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